Talk:Darius the Freak/@comment-39103377-20191223194339
Clowns, a good classic at the times where killers dressed in the same silly uniforms just to lure their unsuspecting victims into their own demise...This Creepypasta doesn't exactly fit into the category here. There are several mistakes and plot holes that I will happily point out for the sake of helping this Creepypasta improve for a future re-write. 1.A - Domino's Appearance Compared To Laughing Jack: Domino's appearance is too similar to Laughing Jack. I mean, actually look at the two and you can tell younger viewers of this Creepypasta will assume they are one of the same when, in reality, they aren't. Domino has the same uniform with stripes, jet black hair, appearance relating to a clown without vibrant colours (colour scheme), etc. Domino isn't truly unique with his appearance being a hybrid if Domino is never explained as to why he is a hybrid. There's virtually nothing relating to how or why he was formed as some hybrid meaning the reader is forced to take some un-necessary sympathy towards Domino as the circus (which are quite rare to find nowadays) using him as some side-show attraction (which would concern the public towards Domino's face being pasted around the town he is staying in if circuses weren't allowed to use people's disabilities and animals treated with cruelty to make a profit). 1.B - Always Make Your Creepypasta Different In A Good/Logical Sense And Research The Facts: According to Wikipedia, "In their prime, freak shows had been the main attraction of the midway, but by 1940 they were starting to lose their audience, with credible people turning their backs on the show. In the nineteenth century, science supported and legitimized the growth of freak shows, but by the twentieth century, the medicalization of human abnormalities contributed to the end of the exhibits' mystery and appeal." meaning that the public mostly wouldn't approve of Domino being used as a form of entertainment within a freak show if he truly was labelled a human being or an animal despite his appearance seeming harmful. And, the advertisement of his shows towards the public would be difficult to earn any profit from as, with the costs of Domino being kept alive and treated decent enough to perform the next day, the posters of his shows for entertainment as well as the travelling expenses, the circus would be broke having to rely on children in this unknown area to visit the circus. As for the appearance in itself, you need to decide. Is Domino a mutated animal or an inbred human being? Because he serves as both at the same time. Also, please don't base the body shape, the colour scheme and outfit entirely from Laughing Jack. Jack was an imaginary friend who came to Isaac in his time of need before Jack's abandonment led to his corruption. Domino looks too alike to Laughing Jack to be considered a true OC (not to forget mentioning the fact that this appearance doesn't truly serve him much use besides the whole "Let's put him up for display and abuse him because he's different"). 2.A - The Quote: Usually, I leave the quotes but this one felt so forced to try and be philosophical..."What am I? Who are you? Is life just a hamster wheel that keeps spinning in circles? When will we ever know when it ends?!"...Christ, that is awful. I'd understand Domino questioning how he forgets how he can never remember each day that occurred before in his life, what on Earth he is and who he is meant to trust if his own parents abandon him for how he looks as well as the constant abuse from his "carers"...But that hamster example? Really? Out of all the thing relating to how each passing day feels like a distant memory, his life a mere forgotten repeat of yesterday, it was a hamster on a wheel... 2.B - Change Is Necessary: If you want Domino to be more intelligent then what meets the eye, you need to understand and acknowlege who/what you are reading/writing about and why. If Domino seems to be more perceptive than most of the other freak-shows you usually witness, then express his smarts towards others within his origin! Leaving him bland and using something so irrelevant as a hamster spinning in a wheel doesn't convey that seriousness compared to others as the hamster isn't as expressive as a phrase such as "The sea of opinions drowned out the voice of those wishing for the truth" or "The skies cried the tears of God as the black droplets reached the sinners". Those phrases are figurative language in the better sense than a hamster. Overall, I'd give this Creepypasta a solid rating of...3.5/10. There are still elements of an attempt to make a separate Creepypasta but, the efforts made have not been towards the good side of making a Creepypasta. Domino gives off the vibe of being very incomplete and frankly is disappointing to view when I first read this page by the appearance being mostly based of the infamous clown Laughing Jack, the backstory being far from logical and the ideas behind the facts seem ridiculous to have been made with the correct amount of time/effort. Additional Errors: 1. "He is not a murderer but when he does have victims he likes to torture them and mutilate them forever making them suffer to death." - Um...hate to break it to you there but...That would make Domino a murderer. If Domino tortures people to the point in which they die due to blood-loss, infection, etc...he has indeed killed them, making him the culprit to their murders. 2. "He is NOT real so please do not worry!" - Yeah, buddy, we get all Creepypastas aren't exactly real if human authors made them into what they are. They are all fictional, you don't need to remind us. 3. "When he was 9 his parents left him alone at the circus because they thought he was a demon and that he would belong in the circus due to that reason. And because of the amnesia he has never left or remembers how it happened." - So...how is Domino still alive and functioning normally enough to not go out on a killing spree or something? Seriously, you don't understand how brain damage works if you think constant abuse doesn't cause any other issues such as broken bones, scarred skin, internal bleeding, etc. Amnesia or not, Domino's going to find out somehow about the issues like that if they are physically abusing him on a daily basis. 4. "He gives flowers to people to trick them into turning them into his victims." - Fairly obvious, how? Domino is treated like a literal prisoner, how can he get flowers, trick people and somehow murder them elsewhere? 5. "He is 5"8 in his normal form but in his dark form he is 7'2" - Where is this coming from? Dark form? Excuse me, we barely understand Domino in his average form, you haven't even once describe to us transformations relating to a darker side. 6. "He is straight but is afraid to admit so he says he's asexual in public or around friends" - Several questions right here...why? Unless he was told to fear women and suffered further abuse because of admitting that he still enjoys females, there isn't much fear why he should hide that. As for the "friends" part...I'm guessing that would either be his imaginary (coping wise) friends who don't actually exist or the other freaks the circus holds captive. 7. "Powers/Skills - Immortality, Mind control, Replication" - Hold the phone...immortality, mind control and replication? Where were these mentioned? Seriously, this just annoyed me. As a reader, you should be able to read the source given and understand who you are reading about. Somehow reading his origin and then the info-box made no sense where the character we meet is randomly given the power to remain alive somehow, control people's minds and replicate something we may never know.